I may appear soggy from love and soft from heart's delight.. but dont pass me as a weak simplton. I can still harden like iron, speed like an eternity and muster strenghth to kill a titian. If more over i am now more powerful now that i know passion and can fight fiercer with more blood curdling screams, because I can feel, with no holes to let the illnesses fill.

I am night, with no need for armor, because no harpoon can peice this skin. with surpassed extension to the mental will, trusting explicit instincts. I am day, no need for a weapon, my hands have the skill to cripple the one time sublime unwanted valentines.  time to play, with up backed traducer and slanderouse vilifier. procure to this nerve. sagiitariouse take aim and let the arrows fly in flame, I wont allow the broke sounds crash through me, these demons will lay down.. for herald to the angels prayer, take me and give me banner to fight for.

for sake of love and lofty heart i can be more calm and unrelenting and now with the fulfilling. I can shoot the epitamy of monsters, but only to the will of the beholder. the large question boils down to. do you believe in jesus? Not the religion. but the creator of light? And final of all do you give alejence to jesus? with that the ariels halt and wait, the beholder the choice is yours to make, and for the sake of your self and others will you sacrifice old pride?

tremor

sleepy coinceadence when the pattern is discovered by forceful predice.. you think fear is respect, and your bull your way through.. throwing people before you.. I feel the adrenaline rush and is gushes into my veins.. its fight or flight... i saw you control so many others, time to make stand

I wont yield to you...

do all u want to me, i wont break so easily... keep testing, i wont max out...

go shackle me, the chains of misery,, i will drag you away.. you cant hold me down,, here is burdenless, pointless promise of never giving away.

go on attache the life draining hand to catch my breath before my lungs take it away.. i wont be smothered by the reckless helpless feebleness of matted destiny of envy..

try to scratch me, i wont give into the fruitfulness of blood streamed bold face liar of all companied supplier to accommodate the tides of humanity..

try to break me..  i dare you to try to out put the fire....bend me.....i challenge your self appointed superiority.. 

 attempt to touch me... you simple coward with no sense of direction for this connection to dignitfied challenge..

                               there are no offers, just wanting to fight the inner blackness with their war headdress from.... challenging the times against past and present.. feeling the immortal soul rise out of the ashes splashed with the seasonings of time,,, feel the moon rise but never burning out of ,, its smiles touch the cold surfaces..

devil try to kiss me.. i want to bind you and raise you into boundless light and watch you turn into oblivion.. crush the, smiting the curses that were held by your fingers like marionettes..

rescue the damned souls that were before me, from your curse.. i demand you to do your worst to me, i wont fall off of the world no matter what you do, i will return again and again until you are driven out.. i will free them from your spouts of anger and hatred and greed and lust..  

you  cant damage the invisible, willful, determined vermin of rebel to take your power away..

I wont yield to you...

do all u want to me, i wont break so easily... keep testing, i wont max out...

go shackle me, the chains of misery,, i will drag you away.. you cant hold me down,, here is burdenless, pointless promise of never giving away.

try to scratch me, i wont give into the fruitfulness of blood streamed bold face liar of all companied supplier to accommodate the tides of humanity..

try to break me..  i dare you to try to out put the fire....bend me.....i challenge your self appointed superiority.. 

 attempt to touch me... you simple coward with no sense of direction for this connection to dignitfied challenge..

                                                                                    go

cant be fixed, all settled its simple to understand the determined stand fast against the pattern.. never wanting to become just another victom,,, i will surcum the ravange and bring the prevalence to an end..

i heard a sad song today, but the grasping of the thing to conside with the thought of suicide was so far away,  that i dont miss its presents. mockerey of debaiting all the contiplating sick sad misery,, for get me there is no sad song to be mourned over,, i never miss the emotional roller coaster, going up and down.. hypnotsey is so costly. but to thy own chides of sypathsized charity.. for get me..

what sad song is to jeer, at this cheer, full of ups and downs,, but with more smiles then frowns.. everything is in a weightless orb of curiousity nothing is too heavy, nothing is too bad nor too good to be out of reach.. in the sands of time,, away from all the dirt and grim of a loveless prime-ole state of stupidity,,, i dont dare to say a god, but instead a lover, a finder, a schautze, a dream-maker..

how can such feelings be real, there almost too good to feel.. such a dream like state to contiplate the yays and nays of a enchanted realality. deep in shallows or skimming the deep of a regresstion of a self dignified nation of stabilitie and stamana. I ask not to follow out of any wishes but your own.. press and pride none other but the rightgousness of your own decsion.. every word i have ever dreamed to be said has been spoken.. Every heartbeat to come from the chest of the one so near.. i fear only of not fullfilling their wishes without losing all purity that i want to give as gifts for later..

montri ark

calming pouring dismantle the battle, for all shore of strides.. buring..turning...all calmed in the eagle's glides.. such feathers float on water and sail through slaughter.. as the breeze gos all the crimson flows deep within, breath all the calm stammer in.

close to,far from.. love disambalms hate.. but only to its own fate.. each beat of the wing, carries a new strenghth from inside urself.. am i too fallen? am i too lost in, anothers soul.. growing..flowering and i being to persistant.. mortal wants and body cravings want to take hold, of the angelic sanity.. what seems so near,,, why do these fears subside? where is the core on the inside?  is it still drenched in white? or has the heart taken to color.. i feel more than i have ever been able to before.. am i sufficating the soul i long for. my gifts i gave in hopes for a trade, i find them on my back all over again.. did they serve their purpose for the one i prayed for? i want to carry all the burdens a thousand score.

the feathers glides, with the tide! no more falling, i am landing.. on the ground but does this mean i am fallen now.. or is the title to the job being applied to sumone else.. the oath of chasitiy was so near but now its almost gone.. if i ever died i would want to give u sumthing u couldn't see, a blood dried feather from the center of the wing.  i promised you everything, and all will be carried out..

the morning dawns, forget ur fears its all over now.. let the nightmares pass, their dead,they only want to play with ur head, because they cant touch u, i gave u the shield that cant be penatrated...they fear there dear lives, because the power is urs,, its all urs and they know its their end.. so they make themselves look gigantic and try to make it seem like they own u now.. 

heres the truth,  that sear all the lies...what is born from ashes and healing with tears.. heres the heart.. here the key to open the bodly cage to my soul.. come if u please and feel again i want to release you from all pain,, and the boundless bounties of the world is yours to own.

ok right now i have so many thoughts in my head  and i really dont want to sort them out, so this entire entry i will write exactly everything that will enter my mind   "oh by the way this evening hell has found its wat into my home"

Damn what is today? I think on the board today in several classes it said december 4, ok ok today is the 12/4/06.. alright the day was ok, i got to see all the meaning ful people in my life.. well most , seeing my cousin would have topped it off, oh well.. gaa! my chest hurts, i wish i could really do what i want in orde to let this"steam" out.. I wish my mother would recognize me as the good child, not the hellion from before.. I"M NOT MRANDA!.. i wish she would quite pushing me, i havent done anything wrong.. This time she my pist at me for having the door unlatched, instead of wide open when eric was over.. Why does she distrust me? I have never done anything to put such disfaith in her, i have proven myself to have to moral and values.. i have shown my sense of judgement that even she used to congradulate me on.. Now she acts as though i will open my legs to anyone, or stick a needle in my arm..On top of this never has trust my judgment in people,myself,my everything!! why must be cornered? These things have been eating me for quite sum time in fact i these emotions have been simmering for a few years now.. Tonight she blew a gaskette, she told me that i cannot even have guy or any other friends in my room, unless the door is open.. Even when my chick friends are over i prefur to have my door closed, for privacy purposes, and i dont want macy peeping in on my conversations.. and in the past she didn't mind Andy or Hillard or Chavet being in my room with the door closed.. but tonight she took a tone with me, as if i had been caught with drugs, she told me that she has always demanded this rule.. Tom was sitting next to her and was tight lipped.. then she spouted that , that this is the end of the discussion.. My thoughts were " Oh really! what convosation, there wasnt one, except u blurting orders that are unjust." but of coarse i kept my mouth shut.. supper came and i sat there quiet, because i didnt want spout of my true feelings.. once i started to eat, she grumbled a remark toward me.. i was once again quiet and ignored it.. Said another one, i guess to try to make me feel inferior and was cutting me down.. I swallowed my past bite of my mean,, then i spoke calmly, of her remark being untrue,, she raised her voice and repeated that no boys should ever enter my room with the door shut.. i calmly siad the door was not shut it was unlatched and it had a creiouse if her or anybody else wanted to peep through.. the thought of it put such a bitter taste in mouth at that moment.. She then again raised her voice louder then before, saying that i am always treating her like shit and i am always disobeying rules and that i am ungreatful.. this time i did not have the capablity to keep my voice low, i raised it , but not too her level.. i said, "why am i being punished when i have not done anything wrong? She said that i was not being punished, but it is common decency to not allow children to have their doors closed when they have company, and besides why would it mater, unless i was hiding sumthing.... this time my temper hinted, and i raised my voice to her level and said" I like my privacy!, i do the same thing when my chick friend are over, and u didnt have a problem with andy,hillard or chavey!! I felt toms gaze pass from to mom.. she stammered I have never allowed u to have the door shut when they were over, u just did it anyway without my conscent.. I shot back, " you left me and andy at the trailer house alone while u went to the duplex.. I screach " NO i did not, dont u dare lie!!!" about this time tom said" this makes me uncomfortable seeing u and your mom fight, so how about u shut up..

I didnt pay him any mind, i was already in the middle of this "convosation, and i am bound to get this out into the open.. she spouted another comment, then i returned one.. Tom then said " morgan shut up!with such a tone that sounded like he thought he was god of the house, and that i was a mere peasant of his kingdom.. my temper rose slightly.. then mom said another comment, i then again return it to her.. I in toms direction to see whats going on.. while my head was turned my slapped my hand ( like i was a little child) (such disrespect!!!! she demands respect ans yet steals all from me) i turned to her and said in a cold voice, that i have only come from my mouth a handful of time.. " dont u ever hit me again" while i was facing mom, Tom grabbed my arm and squeezed it then ssaid. " shut the hell up damit!!"

that did it.. i will not have another man (my father) grab me with such malance again... my temper was lost.,,, and when ever i lose it i leave to escape the possiblity of harming sum one.. i jumped up from my chair at the dinning room table, and exclaimed " FUCK IT, fuck it, fuck u all!!" i walked fastly to the garage and  iheard mom scream "get back here now, you are not leaving this house!!! then tom said, get ur ass back here!!.. but at this point all of that is just faint echos,i continued to walk to toward the garage door as i hurriedly pushed the button to open it..i then glanced down at the ground to look for my shoes.. i was going to go for a walk to cool down.. but at this point the house door flew open with mom cussing full heartedly and damming me.. she grabbed my arm, i wrenched it out of her grasp i suppose with enough strenghth to make her pull away a step or two.. then tom followed and curing me, say "damn bitch" and other insults, he grabbed my arm and squeezed hard and what felt like tried to jerk it, ( like how a parent would jerk a little kid holding their hand, across the street) my i was dazed with blind anger.. i jerked my arm fast and feircely from his grip then glanced at his face.. but then i saw his other hand was balled into a fist and he had it aimed my face..Like an instinct i doubled  my other hand and raised it ready stike if he even tried to hit me.. I screamed leave me the fuck alone!!! ( i immediatle saw the future coming up hand.. i could see myself knock his ass to the floor and see his hip snap from the fall, and yet with this picture in my head, i felt a sick scense of glee"

 then my mom stepped in right before he tried to punch me.. she said " settle down, tom no.." then she looked at me fiercly and said "go to ur room now u shit"" I didnt want to harm him whether or not he made the first hit..I went to my room and sat down on my bed with my leg propped of the wood side, i place my elbow on the propped knee and put my hand on my forhead in attemps to calm down.. I took long slow breathes, my mind was racing faster then what it is now.i started to sob and i was unable to stop.. i guess i was emptying out .my mind flew and i immediatle started to panick, i wanted out of this situation...i wanted to call my dad and tell him to pick me up.. but the thought of he doesnt have enough money to try to feed another person, also what about my college classes, i would have to live with the neglect of his animals, he would treat me better then hear, no what about my friends they need me...there no way in hell he could help me go to college for i could fully escape this.. then i thought run away.. no i couldn't school, and i would be throwing all chances to blow this place and be cable of moving far far away from here.. damn it, i need a way out.. i have to get out!1  um maybe one of my friends will let me stay with them? no i will not burden anyones or anybodys home! my stomach was hurting and everywhere under neath my skin seemed to burn from some tremedouse heat.. i wanted to grab a knife and cut several slits to allows this heat out.. but wait no,, i cant do that what about reric, shaina,caitlin? how could i ever hope to help call or skittles with thier cutting problem if i do it too!!! no i wont do it!! maybe i just do it enough to bleed, yeah that sight of my blood would soothe me and prove to them how much they torcher me!!!  NO NO NO!! what are you saying, what about eric and brittney? u cant risk abandoning them.. no never, u  promised never to do sumthing stupid like that again.. i need to get out, i wont go through another man like that again,, no will not allow myself to be hit again, .. morgan calm down, he didnt hit u, he only looked like it.. no no no, he wrenched my arm, and balled his fist with aim to my face..morgan mom stopped it.. did u not see worried look on her face? she spoke with hinge of fear in her voice.. she knew what u were capable of.. no no no i will not let that happen, thats why i fleed away from the dinning room.. AHH!1 my stomch hurts, i want to thow up, it feels like there a ball of nails in my stomache.. no i wont do that, what about ur voice, do u want it too dissappear?, u had that warning before,, never again, besides u will get readdicted to the empty feeling after ward..

then mom came into the room, she slammed the door and screamed at me as almost as loud as she could.. my ears went back ( my ears go back when ever i get angry) there was no expression on my face.. i started into her eyes, and she looked into mine then looked away often then reunited her gaze with mine. she said everything that just happened was my fault..i should have just accepted it and been quiet. she said that back in her day as a child she would have been slapped, beaten, then drug into her room, if she ever spoke to her parents like that.. i didnt answer i get started emptily at her eyes.. she kept changing her glance then ... she then tried to lecture me at the top of her lungs.. i never changed expression.. just looked into her eyes.. she eventualy just gave up then left the room and slammed the door.

ok every one thanks for reading .. yes everything is ok, and i now feel so much better now that i have gotten all of it off my chest.. please dont worry about this, i'm ok.. i promise and i am not going t ot do anything stupid.. so please rest at ease..